Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Let it RIp.... let it fly

Yeah soo im a little emo as always... but still.. i just need to be more causcious who i trust.

THe bossess are out on Vac.. soo this week should be funs.. actually Kim should be back by tomarrow soo .. shell give me stuffs to do.. and today ill play ketch up on filing and resizing drawings and random craps like that.

                Bill house is Fun. its weird though.. cause you think someone is gunna come home.. and they never do.

Luke is the absolute cutest.. hes a Golden Retrierver.. he likes to retrieve things.. how cute is that!!!  this morning he got me the paper ^_^

me and steve had a good talk.. hes been really great lately! i <3 him

however i decided he is moving here .. soon.. and i dont care what he says.. hehe.. i miss "hang out time".. it sucks without it.

ok.. the real prob... people liying to me.. i mean.. are they scared of what i might say.. like good freinds delaying telling me important news.. for instance moving to St.Louis. havent i shown my self im a good freind?? i think soo .. i mean i know im really freaking self centered at times but .. im always there for someone.. i mean.. id do anything for a good friend.. i even take back thier offer of friendship when they push mine away.. but mabe i shouldnt.

       I mean.. everything is just too fast.. its just not right.. not at all... shes gunna scxrew her self and frankly i dont wanna be there when she comes back crying. i cant stand seeing people make stupid descions.. i mean.. condomized or controled sex is one thing.. but blantantly unprotected, come on!  Or no jobs, hanging on some guys coat tail.. its rediculous... ofcourse you have to lie about it.. you probably have to lie to yourself.  But this blog is about me.. soo should i continue being there even after ive said stuff.... even after the lies.. casue i know why you lie? YOu dont listen.. soo does it matter

Am i just as stupid... could i go that far and take a freinds advice to return.. i would hope soo but i dont know..

the benefits of have a family that loves you and is still around for you is amazing i dont think ill find my self in ithat sort of situation becasue of them.. mamas prayers right heh. i dont know. never say never i dont want a life like that for my self much less for my freinds.. i love them and i wanna see them be sucessful as human beings.. but mabe i needa stop trying to change and just let it be.. its.thier life.

they cant fhk it up if they want to, mabe thats thier idea of success.. who knows.. and who am i to tell them its not. im quite pathetic my self. poor, fat, self centered, lazy, i could go on for years

anyways.. therefore concluding.. i dont know.. i dont wanna forgive.. i want them to be happy.. You the whole heather thing turned out happy, she really wanted Eli, she loves jer.. and shes happy..  and that makes me happy.. soo.. mabe this little plan of hers will work and shell be happy..

whoamitojudge

       ~ ash~

 

 


Posted at 9:07 am by RabbitFester
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Tuesday, March 14, 2006
dissapointments

ihaveabunchofdissapointmentsforfriends...


Posted at 7:45 pm by RabbitFester
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
more money....

this is sad.. i owe a mexican $600... and yes i gotta bring the race in it..grah..

did i mention... i hate money... however.. this 600 dollars is the price i pay for my dignity, my pride,  and... no insurance ups.. yes it is.. 

 and i will pay it... whats a months without money... oh no.. ill like totally die if i cant do skating.... i think this session ends the.. 17th... crapp.. hmm mabe i can borrow money.. see..

     im horrid... when will bad stuff ever stop happening to me!!!!!

 *sigh.. i need a talk to Steve..

i just want this to be over with...

 also i have a calc test tomarrow.. im only on the 2nd section.. this isnt good..

ok.. heres to my crappy moneyless life

 The joy of the Lord is my strength .. cant you tell!!!

 love, ash


Tuesday, February 07, 2006
money money money

Gosh i must say.. i hate money!  But wells Fargo is a good bank.. i dunno i think im gunna ban the use of my debit card and only use cash from now on.. yeah.. im gunna be smart like that.

         ok.. soo i was cleaning out my old wallet. and i found a fortune from the fortune chocolates Steve-O gave me one time.. lol he wrote a sweet fortune and the wrapped it up in the chocolate wrapper.. it said things like.. when it doubt faith hill has  all the answers and he also had ones with cute pictures.. ones tell ing me i was beautiful and specail.. yeah hes a sweetheart!

       ok.. soo havea good day .

love, me


Monday, January 16, 2006
Today

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Did i mention... i love Steve????


Thursday, January 05, 2006
i should be in bed..

but im not... im siting here typing... not cause im upset... i just feel like tell the entire web how  i really feel.

it used to be that i dreamed of that specail guy.. the only thing i wanted was  boyfriend... some to cuddle with talk to.. just be together.. i dont know.. but it used to be really important to me.. soo when i went through the break up with drew it was really hard for me.. which is kinda why i ended up with steve within the next month... bu once steve andi broke up... andd after Jake... something happened.. i dunno...

ive just been really happy being single... like.. i like all the options... i survived my first Valentines day Alone AND  it wasnt too bad at all... piont being...

 although there are guys in my life i really love... right now.. i have no desire to make a commintment to anyone.. i dunno... and when i was faced with an actaul relationship commitment... i kinda shyed off.. cause i dont really need that right now.. i have way toomany other things i need to set my focus. on.. My Change in attitude is weird.. for me.. cause ive lived have my life waiting for that specail someone.. and now.. that ive had.. 2.. i dont really want anymore.. yet i do.. i just ... dont feel like it..

     its weird.. but after a couple months. ive realized my change in thought about men. I Want one... and i wanna flirt with em.. and have them around.. but i dont want one.. like the idea of marriage scares me.. being with one person for the rest of your life.. thats such a big descion... am i qualifiied to make it when im soo young??? i dunno

        I love guys.. but being happy with myself is a whole nother kinda rush.

     ok.. i guess i got that off my chest... this has been the subject of my thoughts for many of runs..

   ok i better sleep

love, you!


Sunday, December 04, 2005
we, princess are supposed to live happliy ever after

ive determined this..
 thatit is either human.. or.. simpley ashleyistic to want someone there
 A constant companion (my fingers are sleeping)  someone to talk to all the time.. someome to share your inside jokes someone who you can make smile, share burdens and good times. and if they male have great intimate times. someone to tell you your beautiful and that they love you no matter what . Someone who doesnt think your weird. Some who loves you. Whether this be a male or female.. having that closness with someone is scary. And in my cases has usually blown up in my face with shattered memories  and tears.

    Ive learned that stuffed animals although great for cuddleing and talking to without anything mean said back.. well its slightly juvinille and you cant live in a the make-up believe world forever.. "bunny, i cant belive mom yelled at me .. i didnt do it! .. yeah exactally"  plus.. they think just like you.

Ive also learned although animals are great confiders and they always love you.. well they cant go every where with you and cant laugh at your jokes.. or call you on the phone. and there life span is like a 7th of ours.. wich sucks!

people... Parents.. welll you cant ever fully confide in a parent.. its just weird.
  Ive had one close freind my entire life.. teresa.. but even we went through hard times.. times when we didnt speak much... or mad at eachother times. however..weve always come around.. however.. shes not a second best freind per say.. shes more like a aPlatnuim freind.. you kno wthe freind that has stood the test of time.. going on 20 years.
 But i suppose its the situational freinds that usually sercome to this fate of closness.. the dangerous area.
     your around them all the time ou have kindred spirits and you click.  but one day. out of the blue.. your two close them.. your not married or dating.. and you dont have to deal with that stuff.
        the blow-up is there and your freindship is disinigreated. in my case its always been something not big.. the last strw sort of deal.

 so where do you find that closness... Guys are a  hard issue.. considering i dont have one right now.. and probabyl dont need one. guys.. are fun to be close to.. they are different.. they think, act and look differently.. And for a while there i had found someone i had truely clicked with.. not reall Bf/Gf type but on a good freind level.. ofcourse then.. you have to take it to the next step and thus everything is riuned.

 Soo ive determined with the exception of some people.. freinds.. are not trustworthy. and i shouldnt really rely on them.

Soo should i rely on a a fource that is bigger than me.. one who can be in constant communication with.. one who love me.. and i can make smile. one who wil share my burdens... in philosphy we learned that there a piont in amns life where he figured out he needs a higher force to sustain him.. something bigger something omnicient.

but it takes a leap of faith to get to that level.

yes yes.. its all coming back..

and thats why its hard.. but i neeed that i really need that .. i was born to be unsatified..and ill never be satisfied with any one or anything until.. that is filled.. i need a savior.. i need it to become real to me.
 i need someone in my life to love me all the time.. i need help..
but im scared to take that leap.
     im scared..

i supppose my existence is boderline annoying without taking the leap.

i need to take it.. my surivial depends on it.
         love, ash


Thursday, November 24, 2005
get to your texas dodge dealer

Im frustrated with life.

  its weird how i get like this

ive been irritated all day with no promise of "love" in the near future.. when i say love  i mean male attention..

 its actaully quite pathetic how i get like this.

  i get frustarted with everyone around me.. Mainly MArissa and mom. they just totally get under my skin. for instance marissa was asked so clean the bathroom soo she takes everything and shoves it under the sink... even the cleaning products.. dirty socks.. her backpack everything.  It just drives me insane... and then as i clean my room i find nothing but remenants of marissaand her freinds being in there.. like.. dresses wadded up and put in the corner... my clothes.. wadded in the back of my closet with rubberbands aroundthem..... and how dare her even touch my make up i mean she totally pisses me off.. she wants me to like her.. yet she is constantly doing stuff that ticks me off.. and ii hate her little brat freind Taylor. her mom treats her like fing princess... and shes a silent little brat who doesnt respect people. they want me to talk to them.. yet they ruined me a long time ago on actaully likeing them.. the constantly try and annoy me.. and do the things i hate.

 mabe im dumb for getting irritated with a 11 and 13 year old.. but they seriously piss me off.  There comes a piont when they need to quit acting like little idiots.

    but then again... mabe.. its all cause ofmy lack of boyfreindage( yes i know i relaly dont need one now no time.. eetc)  My lack of male attention in my life. it really sucks you know.. im not too ugly.. am i? or do i give off the Jeanna scare away mechanism becaue theres parts of me that feel despareate.. the feeling is quite annoying.. not knowing whats wrong with you.  Steve hasnt called me.. in like 2 days.. he he just ogt online.. and didnt say anything to me.. has he forgotten about me.. or mabe i hurt him the other day and he just doesnt care. it would serve me right im a bitch to him half of the time anyway, i just want to know hwy he hasnt contacted me.. i mean i called him and i except him to cal me back.. same thing with all my gfs.. i call them .. they call me back.. instead.. this buckroo just doesnt care. he feels forced im sure.. but it doesnt matter i dont care what he thinks.. i dont need to talk to him....  i just.. *sigh wanna know why hes ignoreing me i dont like it


"Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive"


He probably too busy with yugioh. .. but.. you know.. i guess its just sad.. cause he is not the only guy who is like that with me.. Sanders.. he says it casue of school.. but.. i dont care.. it was still hurtful... youcant tell me im not just as busy as him.. yet i still have time to check up on freinds.. Drew.. ehh its ok that we dont talk.. we dont relaly need too.. but the same thing. Heather.. thats really sucks becasue we used to be best friends.. i loved hanging out with her.. and now.. shes pregnatn.. and everything is differnt.. i know ive already cryed over all of this.. but i feel like cring again.
 Apparently i  have way too high of expettaions on life.(or at least freinds)  Im like a baby sitting her pounting .. imean.. i didnt get knocked up my self.. it not like i have child or a husband to keep me  company.. i have an annoying buttfaced sister and an irritaing mom who seems to always sticks up for her.. she a brat.. she doesnt need it.
    whatever.. my life is in the same spot as it was when  was a junior.. striving to loose weight. lonley, fat, irrtated with mom and sister.
     
 but you know what i cant make it on my own either.. the wrecks..  the money.. i cant do it on my own im just not ready.. mabe i will be soon. thats why being 19 sucks.. still a teenager..wanting to be free of the parents.. wanting to hold on tighter than ever.
    being ugly  and weird.. lack if cofidence scaring off anyu male interested... and Why.. heres a nice little question.. why dont TALL GUYS  like me. imm tall.. id like someone taller..
 Mark is short and generally perverted.. although he hits on my all the time.. im mean.. hes nice and attractive.. but.. its not what i want.. i dont wannt settle case im bored. .. i need.. not to focus on guys right now anyway.s.. i knowi have tons of time...  but.. sometimes.. it just gets a little sad.
 *sigh
          im tired.. and im still doing lanudry.
                       "dont bother .. ill be fine ill be fine!!! "

 sometimes... you just feel like the people you want to care about you dont.. and thats annoying..  i dotn want to live in the past.. hs was 2 years. ago.. theres no reason to go abck there..

but where my new life huh???

*sigh  i also needa find a church home.. i love God.. i need... his help
  im depressed tonight.. the night before thanksgiving.
 i need sex.. id feel momentarly better.. but in the end its like a drug and you get even more depressed than bedore.. beacaue i ashely have strong convictions about whats right an dwrong.. and sex when you dont love some one is wrong.. and premarital sex is evn wronger.. becasue it goes against the word of God.

 *SIGH
                   i bettet check the laundry
 loves, ash

 

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Sitting here

Ok So.. im in my Drafting Lab now.. and i just noticed that well this week has already turned out better... well you know


 

However let me tell you its always good to let things out... sometimes its hard to keep it all in and not tell anyone.. Thats why i still love my blog drive ^_^


 

              However.. Solid works.. this is a whole nother story.. i have to figure this out. eak!

 ok.. i dunno.. life is cool.

  ohh one more thing.. i went out with Mark last night.. he told me the important things in his life was.. cars, girls, and.. schooll ... i dunno.. Even though his Corvette is pretty awesome.. i dont think thats a  good thing at all.. i mean i know im shallow sometimes, but thats a little over the top.


 

 I still want to find a Christain Guy.. ive been coming to a relization lately.. that the way ive been living.. loving God.. yet not Completly gung ho.. is A slighty flakey way to live.. i need to make a major pick and chose in my life....  Right now.. im thinking ll go with God all the way.. i just really needa get a jump start... but alas.. can i go to church this weekend.. no i have to study.. *Sigh..

i dont wanna look flakey.

                  ok.

  Solid Works is calling. Love, ash


Monday, November 07, 2005
Hypocrites, your all here for the very same reason..

blah.
      Life..  is.. erm.. fine. Ive had an emotional day. Mainly the ticket. im scared of drving.
 theres too many ass holes in this world.
    I also dont like it when old HS english teachers tell me to watch my language.. i mean.. its not like he ever talks to me..  i didnt say a great job ash with my good test scores.. but when i say Ass hole he has the right to but in.. whatever.
            Its hard to determine whether these are feelings of growing up, or abandonment. i just cant tell.. did my relationships get cut off.. casue i grew up.. or did they really disown me.. casue i didnt some crazy things.. i dont know.. it cant be that  i mean .. Drews stilll in the circle of trust.. lol
  whatever... life can be upsetting.
          Hopefully the week will get better.
 i know it will.
         I suppose everything happens for i reason.. my life is just another reason i should Trust God.
Guys.. ahh i dont want one.. and then i do... a whole lot.. hmm.. has my ideas changed any .. not relaly.. i guess its just that thing in humans to want to share your life with someone.. have someone to tell your stories.. too. someone to share life with!

              Steve is a great freind.. i love him sooo much.
 i like meeting new freinds too. Friends.. rhat all they are.. i cant rely on them.. i must rely on myself and God alone..
 
life is good.. and will be great!!!
      ok bye! 


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RabbitFester
July 20th
Female
Burleson
YOur not Alone ^_^

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Though itís against your nature to be impolite Would You please break into my heart tonight and steal away my fear? Cause itís my nature to just sit and guard it Though the prison doors, Iím afraid to depart it Iím stuck right here You gotta get me clear


   

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